Written Text Qualifications

Sat Aug 30, 2003 10:23 am
Before and After GreySheet

Dear GS Family,

I'm [Anonymous], a compulsive overeater from Oregon... I w&m 3 meals a day from the GS, write them down, commit them to my sponsor and I don't eat between, no matter what.  Abstinence is the most important thing in my life today, and I put my food and my program first each day by the Grace of God and all of you.

Before GreySheet, I could not allow myself to "enjoy" anything.  I was like a caged tiger pacing...ever pacing....no peace....looking and searching, always discontent... looking for a way to sneak food wherever I was... always hung back, stayed late, offered to clean up at all events, so I could eat leftovers...especially at weddings - my favorite.  I was always the person who volunteered to cut the traditional you-know-what!

I hated myself....loathed myself for being so weak, so stupid.  I was brutally critical of myself and others.  I could never live in the moment because it messed with my denial.  I had so many secrets and fears and so much self-pity.  I was miserable 24/7 and felt like God had forgotten about me, or my fear was true - that I was just not good enough to deserve the good things others had and experienced.  I felt like a hideous monster because I had such awful, hateful thoughts, and if you really knew me, you'd hate me too.  And food was the only thing that worked, to numb all the awful feelings... until it didn't work anymore.  No amount of food worked anymore and I wanted to die every single day.  I prayed that I would get to be diagnosed with cancer instead of someone who was happy.  I would volunteer....and now, that all seems so melodramatic and just oozes with self-pity, but I was so tired of living and felt there was no way to stay out of the food anymore.

So now, after Greysheet....I love my life.  A bad situation is just a bad situation and it passes very quickly, and I'm still abstinent!  I have choices and there are solutions!  I love to go to meetings and hear others esh...rather than my own bs... I love to share and be present.  I truly love others, and I truly love myself and the person that I am today, and can accept that I have traits that no longer serve me, and I'm working on them today, and they are not secrets.  I share about them in meetings and with friends and people in recovery.  I am honest.  I am able to share my truth and stand up for myself, even if it means someone may not like me.  I can pick and choose what I feel I *have* to share.  I don't have to *overshare*... I am grateful every day, all day... When I have a problem or an issue, I search for solutions by going inward, by asking God's will, by running things by someone else.  I am able to tell people how I feel about them.  I am able to NOT give my daughter advice and sometimes I will ask her if she wants my input and only tell her if she says yes.  :)  I'm able to do things I don't want to do just because I know it's something that would be good for me and to know I will be glad later... I'm able to do the opposite of what my old tapes tell me to do, and trust the process... I don't have to hate myself if I make a mistake or don't do something perfectly.  I can apologize to myself and others.

Most gratefully, I don't obsess about food 99.999% of the time.  If I find myself doing that, I do the next *simplest* thing and get out of the kitchen or away from the situation.  I choose not to torture myself or indulge in unhealthy thoughts or temptations.  Therefore, I am able to thoroughly enjoy my w&m'd, delicious meals, because they are SOOO good, and they are rightfully mine and they are nutritious and wholesome.  I have peace around food, and peace between meals.  I enjoy feeling healthy and fit.  I enjoy feeling good in my clothes.  I enjoy looking my best, and if I want to be a bit casual, I still look pretty darned good!  I care about other people, but I care about myself too.  I don't have to give up huge parts of myself for others... I can have boundaries and by taking care of my food and myself first, I can be present for others and myself.

Well, it's time to go eat!!!  I'm going to go take care of myself, and make my breakfast now, and enjoy every bite.  :)

I love living this GreySheet Way of Life!  :)
Thank you,
Anonymous
A&G