Written Text Qualifications

[Anonymous] here, abstinent and grateful.  I weigh and measure three meals from the greysheet, write them down, commit them to my sponsor and don't eat in between meals no matter what.  Abstinence comes first in my life.

I started greysheet in March 2004.  I had been trying to get back on a low carb diet with which I had had some success.  I had been trying to get back on for two years and couldn't.  I was gaining about 5 lbs of weight a month and had reached an all time high for me.  I had to go to the store and buy a size 20 jeans.  It freaked me out because I couldn't stop eating.

I would go to work, stock up on food on the way home and begin eating myself into a stupor.  I would wake up hung over, have to mainline really strong coffee to get going.  Then what really scared me was that I began going out to a nearby store during work to get binge foods.  I put them in my desk at work and my co-workers saw me eating all day long.  They saw me steadily gaining weight and I couldn't stop.  I had so much shame.  My day to day life was constant shame and self-loathing.

I kept talking about going back to OA.  I had never had any success in OA except for one period when I was calling my food in daily to a sponsor.  For some reason during that time, I was able to stay abstinent but I was always hungry because carbs were part of my food plan.  This 9 month period of abstinence was in 1994 or so.

I kept talking to my therapist about my food addiction.  He is a long time recovering alcoholic so he understands addiction.  He told me that another client was having some success with something called greysheet.  He gave me the web address.  I went to the site, got a sponsor off of the site and had my first abstinent day a day later.  I got 24 or so days and then for 9 months kept getting some days and slipping.  In November 2004 til February, I got 84 days and then went out because I was freaked out about sponsoring.  I had begun to white knuckle it.

I went out for about six months with no attempt at a day one.  I kept praying for abstinence.  One week, I said I am going to start my abstinence on Friday.  I began getting rid of all non-abstinent food, stocking up on abstinent food, and didn't bring any more non-abstinent food into the house.  I called my old sponsor and she agreed to sponsor me.  I had my day one on July 29, 2005, and now made it to day 90.

I surrendered in a deeper way to abstinence this time around.  I have cravings especially in the afternoon but I don't want to go back to a life of self-loathing and shame.  I know my body is allergic to carbs.  I get a little in my system and am off and running.  My dad was an alcoholic, my brothers are alcoholics and I have the same genetic predisposition that lacks tolerance of sugars in my system.  Also I have abused my body with food for so many years that my metabolism is totally whacked.

I am losing weight pretty slowly.  I have released 20 lbs in these 90 days.  I am content with a slow weight loss because I am so grateful for the spiritual and emotional recovery that I am experiencing. I describe it as the feeling of being sober in life.  I meet life on life's terms.  Acceptance is my spiritual practice today.  I am sober enough to be able to meet each moment of my day with acceptance of what I am experiencing.

I am so grateful for the greysheet program and have a hope of experiencing a life of sane and happy usefulness if I continue to not eat one meal at a time and to accept life on life's terms.  Thank you for doing what I do with my food.