Written Text Qualifications

Hi GreySheet Family,

I'm [Anonymous] from Johannesburg, South Africa.  I am a compulsive overeater and ex-smoker.  By the grace of G-d I am arresting both of these compulsions "one day at a time" having not smoked since 15th May 2005 and been abstinent on CGS since 22nd May 2005.  Each day I w & m my three committed meals which I have turned over to my loving sponsor, and don't eat in between meals, NMW.  ABSTINENCE and the G-D OF MY UNDERSTANDING are the most important facets of my life today WITHOUT EXCEPTION - Without them I have no life!!!

My food compulsion runs so deep ... Still fresh in my mind is a dinner I attended about ten days ago - A XXX dish caught my eye.  The reason that this "banned substance" is still in my head is that, for the first time in my life I truly felt my powerlessness over food in a way I never had before - I realised then that one bite would be too much and the whole enormous dish never enough.  It was as though I was seeing myself from outside of myself - What a wow experience!!!  I happily came home at 23h00 and ate my abstinent dinner.  Further proof that I am not normal around food and never will be - Just in case I wasn't convinced !!!

Having joined OA during May 2000 and having had periods of abstinence containing carbohydrate, shedding and regaining about 100 pounds more times than I care to remember, I could never stay stopped, always regaining the weight with interest - Sigh !!!!  As I look back, during periods of food abstinence or dieting I began "eating" cigarettes in place of food and was puffing between thirty and sixty per day !!!  Some while ago, I made absolute in my crazy mind that I would never diet or become abstinent again if I still smoked, as the whole idea of trying to preserve myself by not eating compulsively, whilst destroying myself by chain-smoking cigarettes became totally counter-productive in my sick head.  So, although I had periods of abstinence and not smoking in my OA days, I could never sustain the weight loss and/or stop smoking permanently, until that fateful (and grateful) day I stumbled upon my GreySheet sponsor ... Today is Day 167 of my first attempt on Cambridge GreySheet - THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LAST BLOCK.  I do CGS or die - It's that simple or complicated - The choice is mine !!!

These days, I lie in bed each night, praying, meditating and breathing deeply.  Having hailed from the morbidly obese and having smoked too, I realise that I hadn't (or should I say couldn't) breathe deeply for years.  Feeling ill physically and mentally were so much a part of me that I didn't believe there was a way out - I was intent only on self-destructing, slowly committing suicide - Didn't believe I was worthy or deserving of anything more !!!

FACING MY STUFF INSTEAD OF STUFFING MY FACE "one day at a time" by G-d's grace has been the answer and is giving me freedom beyond my wildest dreams.  I feel so blessed and so grateful.  During the final bender and the "black hole of hell rockbottom place" I was at before I began GreySheet, I couldn't walk ten steps, didn't have the energy to prepare meals (eating only take-out and loads of packaged carbohydrate and sugar) - My body was screaming in pain so badly that it was becoming increasingly difficult to get out of bed each day. Today however, I feel ALIVE !!!! Alive enough to clean the swimming pool, alive enough to walk to about three kilometres with my son, alive enough to go to the gym - Miraculous !!!

Today I know that I would "pick up" a cigarette before "picking up" the food.  They always say the food is the last to go !!!  If I ever even CONTEMPLATE such action I will have to urgently examine what's going on in my mind.  Although the road is long and I still have loads of weight to shed, I am experiencing a "renaissance (re-birth)" physically, emotionally and spiritually - Living in the solution "one day at a time" - I don't recognise myself these days!!!

It is five o'clock in the morning and the tears are rolling down my face as I type.  Notwithstanding the pain and wreckage of the past, it is important for me to remember - Lest I forget and repeat the insanity which has already consumed far too many years of this life I'd been given to cherish!!!  Today I am actively participating in my life instead of sitting on the fence as a spectator - Not a minute to lose !!!  Thanks to all of you who came before me leading the way ... 30, 24, 18, 11 and 2 years ... Together walking the GS road in "harmonious brotherly action".

Sending love & NMW,
Anonymous. xxx