My name is [Anonymous] and I am a compulsive over eater. I weigh and measure my food from the GS and I do not eat anything else no matter what.
I am away from home in Monaco - the French Riviera. The last time I was here I came down to eat as much French food as I could and drink as much wine as I could and still look presentable. I got off the plane and smelt the food and immediately wanted to start sampling the menus as I used to. Sampling this and then sampling that on and on. It would keep going while I got fatter and fatter and could never get enough. BY the time I got home I had to move back to a larger pair of trousers and eventually would go back on the yo-yo of either dieting or overeating. NEVER normal.
I have to keep on reminding my self that I am not a normal eater and never will be. It helps me to read the first few pages of the Chapter 3 in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous substituting the word food for alcohol. I have NEVER been a normal eater and NEVER WILL BE. If I forget this then I am heading for a relapse. I have been maintaining the same weight (my goal weight) for the last 3 months and I am beginning to feel tempted to think that the odd bit of laxity of my weighing and measuring wouldn't matter too much. Especially as it gets embarrassing being away form home and eating in public at reception meals etc. I am fearful of tomorrow night when I will be at the "top table" of an international congress dinner, weighing and measuring my food no doubt cooked in a very delicate way by the French who I am sure will be horrified to see me spoiling their display and crushing my food into a cup to measure. I have asked for plain food but dread sauces arriving and already added. I will stick to the GS food plan no matter what and will DEFINITELY bring a full backup and abandon the meal if necessary.
Why should I worry so much? I am miles from home and only see this group every 6 months. They saw me when I weighed 294 lbs and I never worried then about being seen to eat enormous quantities. I ALWAYS put on weight on these occasions and ALWAYS went back home heavier and feeling terrible about myself. I could never get enough. Food is not the answer to my problems today.
I am very tired and that doesn't help. I will get an early night tonight. I will leave the conference center now for a couple of hours and just go and relax and pray somewhere quiet. I will weigh and measure my evening meal on my own in my room and will not go out to eat with them all. This means that for the last few days I have been eating cold food in my hotel alone. Oh dear I am feeling sorry for myself. GRATITUDE is what I need.
I am grateful for
- Being normal size
- Being able to walk around Monaco without getting out of breath
- Being able to walk with others and still keep up a conversation without gasping for breath and hoping that I would get to the end of the walk without having to stop. When I arrived I would have then gone off to a bathroom to catch my breath before continuing
- Knowing my limits as to how much to eat by following simple instructions as to my eating exactly - not easy for me I have always been a defiant free spirit
- I can hear a beautiful children's choir singing in the background and really feel the deep beauty of it.
- I am near the beautiful blue Mediterranean Sea on a sunny day.
- I am calmer than I have ever been before
- I am becoming the kind of person I always wanted to be (most of the time)
- I am able to talk to people much better without so much fear of not being good enough
- My wife is alive (she was diagnosed with inoperable cancer last year and is in remission) this is a miracle
- I am getting more aware that I start to feel uncomfortable when I am doing something wrong. That is initially not nice but I always learn from it
- I have the GS community helping me
- I have a real higher power who helps me every day
I cannot make phone calls here without it being really expensive and I am a compulsive spender as well!! Please email me any letters of support encouragement by sharing your experience strength and hope. I need your support now. I will make it.NMW.
It will all feel so different in a few hours time and definitely after a few hours sleep.
I'll keep you posted
Loving fellowship to all
Anonymous
