Written Text Qualifications

I am a Compulsive Overeater
"Ess, ess, mein kind."  (Eat, eat, my child.)  That's what he said.  That's what they all said.  Eat, you're too skinny.  Eat, this is delicious.  Eat, I made this just the way you like it.  Eat, others are not fortunate enough to have food.

My disease did not grow out of those urging hands and earnest faces imploring us to eat.  Those good intentions and aromatic kitchens of plenty merely provided fertile ground for the disease to grow.  And, it did grow in the most insipid ways.  If encouraged to eat, I excelled in doing what I was told.  If something was delicious, I went back for more.  If something was delicious and forbidden, I found places were I could eat without being seen.  The disease was hidden because everyone eats and I didn't deviate too much from the norm until I was a teenager, young adult, adult.  I spent the first forty years of my life wondering what normal felt like.

I spent the first forty years of my life living other people's lives.  I did get married.  I did have three babies.  I did cook lots of dinners and even traveled.  But who did those things?  I married my husband because I didn't think anyone else would ask me.  I had three babies because I thought it was important for the continuation of the Jewish people.  I cooked lots of dinners so that my friends would come over.  I traveled to escape.  Where was [B.]?  What did [B.] want?  What did [B.] need?  What did [B.] feel?  [B.] was buried deep, deep inside.  [B.] was buried inside and always watching.

"Ess, ess, mein kind."  That's what he said.  That's what they all said.  Eat, you're too skinny.  Eat, this is delicious.  Eat, I made this just the way you like it.  Eat, others are not fortunate enough to have food.

A wise Greysheeter shared, "Civilians do not spend all day obsessing about what to eat and thinking of real or imagined joy obtained momentarily from trigger goods."

When I close my eyes and think about food, I see a room filled with all my favorite dishes and I can have ALL I WANT.  That's the key, ALL I WANT.  That's the key, all I want and no one to stop me.  No one to stop me and opportunity opens before me.  But food isn't opportunity - at least not for me.  Using food, I stop all my opportunity.  I make myself sick.  I make myself sad.  I shut down and wait for tomorrow.  Nothing changes and I wait for another tomorrow.  46 years of tomorrows went by until I was ready to find the Greysheet.

During my first 90 days on the Greysheet, I thought a lot about my relationship with food.  Searching backwards I remember many incidents that went unnoticed that today I see as direct evidence of food addiction.  My name is [Anonymous].  I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I weigh and measure three meals a day off the Greysheet, commit them to my sponsor and don't eat anything in between meals.  Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception.

I think the basis of my story is one of a life without boundaries on the one hand and a life with absolute boundaries on the other hand.  My father was an alcoholic and king of the world.  One evidence with regard to food was his opening the refrigerator, taking out the [xxx] and drinking directly from the carton.  At the time, I thought that was normal.  After all, he paid for the [xxx].   And, I have to admit, that for many, many years I also thought I was queen of the world.  I also opened the refrigerator, took out the [xxx] and drank straight from the carton.  Since I have been abstinent, I have caught myself a million times reaching for the diet soda bottle instead of reaching for a drinking glass.  I protect my abstinence by opening the cupboard and taking out a drinking glass.  This seems a simple act.  And, the Greysheet doesn't specify what to drink out of but for me using the drinking glass symbolizes a change in attitude.  I no longer set the rules about meals, the Greysheet does.  How could I set rules about meals anyway?  For me, meals were never defined and amounts were never specified.  Eating was a day and night long activity---until I staggered to bed.

I was raised in an upper middle class Jewish home where the food was plentiful and so was the fear.  We all led double lives.  We had the life when Daddy was home and the life when Daddy was at work.  So, from the earliest age I learned to focus on everyone else first.  Most of the time spent with my father was very tense.  However, very often during meals or snacks we shared food from the same plate.  I remember this very fondly.  It was a safe zone for us.  We both loved sugar and carbohydrates (of course) and we both loved feeling as ONE.  I truly felt closest to the one who hurt and terrified me the most.  So, it is clear that I had no boundaries when it came to food, love, fear.

There is so much I didn't understand about life that slowly was revealed to me in the Al Anon and Greysheet rooms.  The guiding tenet of my life was "when in Rome, do like the Romans."  I was the queen of "go with the flow."  I had opinions, but I kept them to myself.  I had ideas, but I kept them to myself.  I excelled at being the verb in all situations, never the noun.  "I" didn't exist, but boy, could I instigate, manipulate, exacerbate, create, donate, schedule, plan, and blame.  I did these things easily for others and with great difficulty for myself.   I was in a constant state of reacting --quite reminiscent of being on guard, watching for what the alcoholic would do before giving myself permission to feel/think/do.  In recovery, I learned to take a step back, take a deep breath, and get out of crisis mode.

Weighing and measuring has saved my life.  Weighing and measuring has allowed me to rediscover my SELF.  For more than three years now, I have been preparing my meals according to the Greysheet.  Today, when I was slicing vegetables, I realized that I know what size slices I prefer.  In the past, I would negate myself and let others decide what size slices to prepare.  I had lots of practice negating myself.  Weighing and measuring my foods is primal self reinforcement.  On a daily basis, I reinforce myself.  On a daily basis, I am learning what I like, who I am, and how to tell you that my name is [Anonymous], I am a compulsive overeater.  I weigh and measure three meals a day off the Greysheet, commit them to my Sponsor, and don't eat anything in between, no matter what.  Abstinence is the most important thing in my life.