3/21/06
Hi, my name is [Anonymous]. I'm a COE, I weigh and measure 3 meals from the greysheet, I write them down, commit them over to my sponsor, I don't eat no matter what, and my abstinence is the most important thing in my life. As I recently celebrated one year of B2B abstinence on February 13th 2006, I wanted to share my ESH on what I do to stay abstinent and work this program one day at a time along with my story of what is was like, what happened and how I got here.
What it was like
I don't remember a time in my life when I was eating compulsively, ever. I was a 10lb baby who drank 2 bottles at birth. I looked like a protein we eat at Thanksgiving as a newborn. I had outgrown clothes people bought for me before I had the chance to wear them. I was a tall child and I knew from the age of 5 that I was different than others around people, places and things, but more specifically, I loved to eat! Food was the main source of love at my house and the answer to any problem was more food. If you are crying, eat! If you're tired, eat! If the baby is cranky, feed it! As I got older, my age and pant size were pretty much one of the same. I ate from the garbage, ate through pantries and drawers in one breath. 1 became the entire bag, which lead to 3 boxes which lead to the whole case, etc. But, for some reason, I had the case of the "when I..." It went like this: "When I get to college, I'll stop eating...when I get the contacts, clear skin, boyfriend, move into my own place, etc...I'll stop eating...When I gain enough weight, I'll stop eating... "When I graduate from college, go on vacation, buy new clothes, more pocketbooks, get a better job, make more money, get married, I'll stop eating..."
The fact of the matter was that I was a COE and as my life got progressively better, my food addiction got progressively worse. I thought eating disorders were a cute topic for the Lifetime movie of the week and something one outgrows as a kid. I only outgrew my size 10 to a 12 to a 14.
What happened...
Fast forward to a 29 year old who was exercising compulsively 6-7x per week and eating like a human garbage disposal every day. I wanted my sugar and the ability to eat it too! Why couldn't I accept my food addiction and still eat at the same time...I wanted to have the best of both worlds: Eating compulsively and exercise compulsively. I never thought it was the food. I thought I had a weight problem, people problem, no will power, not strong enough,
anything, but blame the food. I would make all these wonderful pleads, pledges, and oaths to never eat like this again. And 2 seconds later, I was off and running. I remember my last binge before GS. It was the week of Xmas 2004 and I ate everything that wasn't nailed down at work and at home. I didn't care that I wore the same pants to work 3 days in a row or that I didn't shower as well. I just couldn't stop...I couldn't put the fork, bag, and box DOWN! My current sponsor introduced me to GS and the first call I made to another greysheeter was on January 8th 2005.
Today
I truly believe that I ate enough in life to lead me to GS. I didn't try other 12 step groups because I just felt that I was not as bad as other people. I didn't come from big numbers, didn't lose my job, didn't lose my family, didn't lose my money, didn't lose anything tangible. The consequences for me in the food were beyond weight gain and looking bad in a bathing suit. It was deceit, covering up lies, sneaky, on the side behavior, strange fantasies of round-the-clock eating. I got to a point in my life where I couldn't distinguish the true and false. It's like I was raised by wolves. But GS...the people in GS were weird! Everyone talked funny; they only cared about their cups and scales, their oddly shaped vegetables, and fruits! It was so bizarre, but this was the first time in my life where everyone talked about food like I did. I finally heard myself in people who I've never met. It took a village for me to attain then maintain abstinence. 3 or more phone meetings a day, going to a greysheeter's home for weekly meetings, 10 calls a day or more, reading the big book, calling my sponsor every day on time, turning any thought over or any food mistake that was miniscule, sharing at every meeting. Constant foot work and eternal vigilance is the answer for this COE. I can't rest on my laurels. Past performance does not guarantee future results. I know that if the cure works, I have this disease. For me, this program is about action. I have heard the most spiritual, desperate, grateful, big-book-memorizing people relapse. I need to keep my abstinent feet moving every day, no matter how I feel. I need to connect with another COE every day so I don't forget what I do with my cup and scale 3x a day. I plan, prepare, and protect my program like a mother cub: backup food, scales, cups, spoons are all over my home and car. I have traveled, lived with inlaws, moved, and attended work meetings, all abstinently. I know that this works because I put it first in my life every day. I don't move out of bed in the morning without reciting the Step 3 prayer and turning my will over to my HP. I eat what I love no matter what...I was told to focus on the food. Situations are what happen to us in between our meals and they are only temporary. All things pass, good and bad. But the most important thing I do is weigh and measure three meals a day and I don't eat no matter what. Thanks.
