Shades of Grey - Winter 1998 Issue

One of the main comments we heard about the 7th Annual Greysheet Round-Up held in New York in October was that there were so many good meeting topics that it was hard to figure out which meetings to attend.

Of the 231 Greysheeters in attendance that faced this dilemma over the day-and-a-half,

• 52 came from out of town from all over the U.S., Ireland and Israel.
• As usual, the Family Meeting, in its new longer format, was the most well attended meeting with 60 Greysheeters and their family members,
• 50 abstinent folks broke their isolation and attended Breaking Isolation,
• The Pain of Relapse meeting drew a crowd of 42,
• 40 people attended Fear vs. Faith,
• 41 bit into Don't Take That First Bite,
• 37 folks intuitively knew to attend the Promises meeting,
• 20 learned about our humble beginnings at the History of Greysheet meeting, and
• The women at the Women’s meeting totaled 25.

The list goes on, adding up to a resounding success.

We got good feedback too, about the double sessions, and the babysitting service was well utilized this year. Need I say that the lunch room was packed with abstinent folks gobbling up the opportunity to fellowship.

Congratulations to us all!

Alison K., New York City, N.Y.

I feel as heavy as a black hole.  The burden of my being paralyzes me.  I cannot feel that ray of light, that piercing warmth to lift me from these heavy depths.

From this cave I look out in fear; I am fully aware of my depression, my lack of flexibility, my lack of faith, and still I do not know what to change.  I am abstinent, yes, my life is better, yes, I am beautiful, yes, and still I am so afraid to shed my emotional heaviness.  How can I feel innocent again?  I want to be playful and funny.  I want to feel spontaneous and alive, yes that's it, I want to be alive!  I want to live.  I want to trust the world!  I want to feel carefree!

Was there ever a moment when I was light?  Lightness is not just a physical state of being.  I realize now, after almost six years of being in Greysheet, one slip about a year ago and many no matter whats, that weight and being light are unrelated.  I have lost weight and still I have not found BUOYANCY.  (This word means the ability to remain afloat, to rise in air, as in a balloon, but it also means cheerfulness or a certain fluid quality that causes one to recover quickly from a setback.)

I wish I could be fluid and flexible, and I pray that as I continue to surrender to my abstinence, I will begin to float above my problems.  When will my body finally shed its physical poisons, its emotional barriers (the fears and resentments, the selfish desires, the fragmented anxieties) and its spiritual stubbornness?  I know that when I do achieve this goal I will begin to feel truly light.  I will feel the glimmering beam of power lift me from my stiltedness.  Oh please, God, push me out of this dark vacuum.  I want to live in the present.  I want to experience life with a happy heart.  I want to have fun.  I want to play.  I want to feel like a tiny bubble of warm air that has just surfaced from out of the primordial ooze, and into the sunny daylight.

Paolina W., New York City, N.Y.

Today is my natal birthday and I cannot imagine a more perfect present than a phone call to my sponsor followed by a delicious weighed and measured breakfast.

I am immensely grateful that I don't eat no matter what.  The delight of waking up in the morning and finding my ribs.  And that I can wear the clothes I wore yesterday.  When eating I would gain seven pounds in an evening and so regularly outgrew my clothes.  I well recall the effort of trying to squeeze into my jeans.  Unable to close the zip even when lying down and breathing out.

It’s because of this gift from God of abstinence that my Greysheet anniversary is more important than my birthday.  It is when my new life started.  For a suicidal, low, rock-bottom eater like myself to be abstinent is a miracle.  That one day at a time, on September 12, I will have a decade of freedom from the obsession of guilty eating is truly extraordinary.

I heard last night at an AA meeting:  Are you grateful enough to help another alcoholic?  I have learned that gratitude is an action so I am prompted to share my experience, strength and hope.

In December last year I felt very close to picking up the food.  It had been two years since I had last visited the Cambridge and New York communities.  Despite E-mail and letters, the connection felt tenuous.

One day I found myself in my kitchen holding a packet of biscuits wondering if I ate just a few (there's denial for a start) would it change my life?  You bet it would.  All for the worse.  I had forgotten why I weighed and measured.  Thank God some part of me decided to go to New York on a research mission and then binge -- probably on the plane home munching those free peanuts.

Instead I was given such an abundance of love and support.  I stayed with Greysheet friends, cried at meetings, was invited to qualify, kept asking for help, was taken to coffee before and after meetings, and was enveloped by the warmth and generosity of this fellowship:  unconditional love in action.

So many people went to so many lengths to support me.  They gave of their time, attention, meals, money, invitations to their homes, rides to and from meetings, phone numbers, tips and experience, suggestions and hope.  Above all hope.  It was awesome.  I had never before been so desperate or received so much help. I am immensely grateful.  You saved my life.  I hope I may pass some of it on.

Today is the summer of 1997.  I am off work in week 13 of sick leave -- my energy level sank.  Again I have received so much help and an absence of judgment.  Alas I still only ask for support when I get frightened that my abstinence is in jeopardy, but I am praying for the willingness to ask earlier so it is more a part of my life.

This is a plug for the benefits of reaching out.  I cannot do this alone.  My disease thrives on isolation, immobilization and you're not worth it. ALL LIES.  Each of us has paid such a huge price to get here.  We deserve to maintain the gift of abstinence.  I heard recently:  God did not rescue us from drowning to beat us up on the beach.

Thank you for being there and doing this no matter what.  I wish you a wonderful abstinent day with three weighed and measured meals and nothing in between but life.  Mmm...

Incidentally, I was protected from the temptations of free food on my return flight to London from New York since my fellow traveler neither drank nor ate but slept the whole flight!

Angela P., London, U.K.

I’m a compulsive overeater.  I weigh and measure three meals a day off the Greysheet, commit them, don't eat in between no matter what, and abstinence is the most important thing I do every day.

After nearly eight months of abstinence, lately I've really been struggling with the obsession to binge; with negative, critical feelings about the Greysheet and the community; with feeling like Greysheet is a ball and chain around my ankle, as much as food always has been.  I've been making a lot of calls, trying to get to more meetings (though it's a schlep and I add that to my list of resentments about Greysheet), and praying to stay abstinent through this time.

Two nights ago, I experienced one of the most obsession-filled evenings I've had with food in many a month, full of fantasies about everything I wanted to binge on.  I went to sleep abstinent, and was awakened at 4:30 a.m. with horrible stomach pains.  They lasted, unremitting, for hours until I could get to a doctor.  I didn't have a fever, and had eaten nothing unusual -- the doctor didn't know what had caused them, but thank G-d, he gave me some medicine, and they subsided.  Today I am basically fine, and so happy to be abstinent.  Throughout that ordeal, aside from praying the pain would go away, I was overcome with gratitude that I had not, directly, caused those pains.  In my years of binging, I have suffered many bad stomachaches--always after a binge, or after taking laxatives or ipicak (used for throwing up).

In college, I was even taken to the emergency room because of acute stomach pain, and the shame and humiliation of having to tell the doctor what I had done to cause it was almost worse than the pain itself.  I may well now be suffering from the effects of the years of abusing myself with food.  That attack might also have been caused by intense anxiety, stored up with no where to go (binging was always a big anxiety-reliever).  All I know is, I can treat whatever might be wrong with me--I'm not busy wreaking havoc on my system, creating more damage.  That is an amazing thing.

It is true, Greysheet is NOT easy, convenient, or fun.  It takes planning, and a certain amount of separation from others during eating situations.  It doesn't guarantee that I won't have weight fluxuations--I'm only a few pounds down from where I started (having maintained that weight through the usual self-destructive bulimic methods).  But I so easily forget that this is the only thing that has ever worked for me and has kept me sane around food.  As a low-bottom compulsive eater, who spent 10 years in OA, four months in a hospital's eating disorder unit, thousands of dollars on therapy, diet clubs and personal trainers, I could never stay away from a binge for more than a few weeks.  I might have kept my weight to certain manageable proportions (though I was always obsessed and feeling fat), but my head was never manageable.

My choice at this point is not Greysheet or something a little less extreme--if regular OA, HOW, or one of those accept your body and eat whatever you want diets could have worked for me, I'd be there now.  For me, it's Greysheet or back to the hell of compulsive overeating, self hate, unmanageable weight, and spiritual, emotional, if not physical, suicide.  I'm lucky that I have a disease in which there is a reprieve, one day at a time.  I don't have to look for another solution anymore.  The feelings and issues that are coming to the fore in abstinence often feel daunting, and it is clearer to me than ever why I self destructed all those years.  At these times, the No Matter What that I say and I hear, time and time again, helps me get to the other side, so I have a chance to become a healthy, happy, person and to truly move on to the joyous life we are promised.

Anonymous

How am I powerless over food?  I really don't know why I am powerless, but what happens to me when left to my own is that I become obsessed with thoughts about food and give in to them unless I am working with a Plan, with another afflicted person, with a Greysheet, with a higher power overseeing the whole effort.  When the thoughts come and I am diligent about weighing, preparing, calling, etc. my HP intercedes with a positive thought that overcomes the negative self-destructive thought.  I live with this ODAP (one devilish alcoholic personality) because I am an addict.  A food addict... I know that I fit the bill for all other addictions.  When I look back over my life, I have been a food addict as far back as I can remember... When I was little I remember eating the box of EX-Lax because it was chocolate, as I got older and we had a party at the house, I would sneak food into my pockets and eat on the sly.  They said I was big boned, that I took after my aunt (who was fat).  It was neither of these; I was a closet eater whose consumption was never-ending.  As I got older, I had moments in thinness, achieved by either diet pills or the latest fad diet, and Weight Watchers... I took a small job with WW, as I knew they watched your weight, as an employee, and I felt this would help me keep in line with the food.  I would binge, starve, binge, always frantic about food, gaining, losing, what fit, what didn t fit.  I once left my three young children alone in an apartment to go out and replace what I had eaten so that my husband would not know... Birthdays and Halloweens, any occasions at all were a feeding frenzy for me.  But no one ever saw.  I put a lock on the refrigerator, tied my arm to the bed post to stop the night eating, nothing worked.  I was too ashamed to talk about this behavior.  Thank God I am not alone today and that I can openly share who I am, what I did -- along with my strength, hope and recovery -- one day at a time.

Pat O., New York City, N.Y.

On September 15, 1997, I celebrated five years of Greysheet abstinence.  After four-and-a-half years of abstinence I had a slip and immediately got abstinent again.  I was a couple of weeks pregnant so there was a strong temptation to start my abstinence after the baby was born.  It is very difficult to get through morning sickness while on the Greysheet, especially when I didn't have a lot of days to lose.  It was at this point I realized that it wasn't about the amount of days I had, but about the quality of my life.  For any of you who have recently slipped I say don't look back.  Although it saddens me that I am not coming up on ten years, I rarely think about it.  My name is Molly, I'm a compulsive overeater, I weigh and measure three meals a day off the Greysheet, I don't eat between meals no matter what and abstinence is the most important thing in my life.

Molly A., Canovanas, Puerto Rico

TVP chunks.  Yummmm.  Lunch time is Christmas.  What a joy to visit Santa three times a day!!!

After the allotted hour holiday, it's back to the lifeless real estate office to finish up the five hours of temping.  The daily battle in between the sweet, glorious meals surfaces once sent into the jungle of corroded file cabinets to sell one's soul to Charlie and his army of paper cuts.  It s Nam baby, yet solitude is almost apparent in the isolation from the condescending and dominating part-time high school student whom you are slave to...for today.  Yes, an Abstinent soul can always find the silver lining in any situation...no matter how treacherous.  Perhaps some quiet time to kick back and mellow out with good ole H.P.

Desperately scraping over the molars, the tongue searches in vain for any leftover TVP morsels.  Suddenly small explosions can be heard in the near distance.  At the same time, the stomach's circumference rapidly begins to expand.  Growing bigger and bigger, faster and faster!  Just when it seems ALIEN, PART 7 is about to premier in this pathetic little real estate office, a crashing roar explodes from underneath, followed by a lethal stench!

Those TVP chunks lovingly married today with a salad and wheat germ has come back for revenge!  The very meal consumed, while gleefully humming Neil Diamond's Forever in Blue Jeans Babe, shoots out with a frightening gaseous gurgle.  It gets worse.

Boss-man/CEO decides NOW is the time to be one with the people.  Meet and greet the lowly temp collecting $6 an hour from his zillions.  (sniff, sniff) ...Hewo, I’m Bwuce Smid. Thangx foh heppin owt.  Holding his breath, Mr. Bruce Smith, who thanked me for helping out, said what he could before turning a bluish purple and dashing out the door to save what was left of his life.

This is a true story, which unfortunately has happened more often than not.  What is it about soy that creates these astounding natural occurrences?  Why don't I ever hear this as a recurring topic for discussion at the Greysheet meetings?  Perhaps I am alone in my deed.  One can only hope that future Greysheet Generations can proudly share in their digestive woes.

Proudly a soy lover,
Jen, Studio City, CA.

I didn't have a clue that I was in a battle for my life with food.  I knew that it comforted me and any excuse to have it was valid.  I was fat anyway.  This one sweet thing wouldn’t matter.  When I came to Greysheet, I realized that food had become my enemy and it was no longer my friend.  But there is hope that it can be my partner and that I don't have to overindulge in it or abuse it or take it for granted.

I was in complete defeat over food.  I used to think that if I didn't buy those sweet round things and take the free offerings around the office, I was controlling my intake.  What I did not realize is that I would eat an overabundance of other foods.  My mind tricked, my taste buds fooled, I was high on carbs and starches.  This cunning food had me defeated until I came into these rooms and heard about a solution.  Food is still calling me through my upsets, problems, fears, relationships, work, commitments, etc.  Greysheet was the act of Providence to remove food from me -- to loosen its grip on my life.  Always vigilant that food will do anything to defeat me and take over my life again.  Always in recovery it is never a handled situation.  As I weigh and measure my food from the Greysheet, I am victorious one day and one meal at a time.

Before Greysheet, I would get the baked round carbs and spread all kinds of stuff on it.  I hoped it would fill me up but it never did.  If someone at work brought them in a bag or there were leftovers from a breakfast meeting, I was happy.  I would never take the sweet round thing because someone might say something about my weight.  But when I was home, my plate would be filled.  Food had a hold on me even when I was too stuffed to move or do anything.  My compulsive eating was constantly satisfied.  Consumption was winning and the only profits I would have left were the pounds and pounds, clothes not fitting, self-pity, or someone making a comment.  I was always the big one of all my friends.  The food stalked me and was so cunning as I gave into its demands 100% of my life.  Even times when I knew that I wasn't hungry or times when I was hungry and overate.  I was not able to see it until I came to Greysheet and accepted my powerlessness nature to my addiction to food.  It looked like my best friend, it tasted great and embraced me from the inside out.  It smelled like the relief/release of all concerns and ills.  I accept that was one possible way my life could turn out, this person doesn’t have to surrender to food and its subtle destruction of me.  I will survive this and a lot more than this.

Celise, Jersey City, N.J.